dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
