I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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