I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
