just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
