remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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