My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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