Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
