Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
