i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
