Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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