apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
