I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
