I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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