You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
