My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This house was built for laser tag.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
