If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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