I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
