Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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