You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
