I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
