Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
