I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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