I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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