You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
