I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
