your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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