i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
