did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
