just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
