If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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