well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
