Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
