Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
