just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
