anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
