I wish I only lived at night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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