Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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