i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
