lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
