My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
