this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
