i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
