If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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