The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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