Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
