highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
