just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
