discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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