I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
