Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
